It’s provocative, isn’t it? Using the word “gay” in the pejorative sense in which some young people use it today is bound to evoke a strong reaction from members of the politically mighty LGBT community. And how about saying that relationships are “gay,” obviously in the colloquial sense people usually mean “relationship,” referring to romantic and/or sexual involvement with another person? Isn’t it the wackiest thing you’ve ever heard?
No, it’s not. There’s a significant minority of the human population who do believe that relationships are “gay.” We’re called aromantics, which means that we have no capacity for romance. Although some aromantic people are sexual, meaning that they still need and want sexual gratification in the absence of romance, I happen to be asexual as well as aromantic. It’s a clean way to be, with no muss or fuss involved in dealings with other people.
I’ve been told by people that they feel sorry for me because I’m “missing out” on the things that are part of their nature. That’s like telling a First World War reservist who never went to the front that he “missed out” on trench warfare and mustard gas. Sure, that reservist didn’t do any fighting, which was what he had joined the military for in the first place, but he played a valuable role in the war through his support activities, and he avoided the horrible privation and misery that was the staple of frontline troops’ lives. That’s pretty much how I feel about being an aromantic asexual. I don’t abase myself in pursuit of romance or sex, I don’t have to compromise in order to satisfy animal needs (because, to me, both sex and romance are animal needs), I can treat men and women and trans people exactly the same, and I always look a woman in the face without ever checking out her boobs. That last one earned me praise from a young woman who actually had to tell me that she had large breasts, and was sick and tired of everyone staring at them, before I even noticed them.
My admittedly biased observation of how romance and sex affect people is that they make the average person both neurotic and psychotic–needy, dependent, insecure, possessive, frequently distressed, sometimes violent. Doctors recommend that people with major mental illness (and I happen to be one, just by the way) avoid having what most people call relationships because they are emotionally and intellectually destabilizing and cause great amounts of stress. Think about it: what has caused the most stress in your life? Not your job, not your blood relatives, but your marriage or your contact with your lover. That is generally what makes most people unhappy in the deepest ways.
There are indeed tradeoffs in all aspects of life. The severe distress caused by relationships brings certain benefits with it. But do those benefits really compensate you for the harm relationships cause? In which direction do the scales tip? I’m betting that, if you could think about it lucidly and clearheadedly, rather than through the distorting prism of someone who feels a need for love in her life, you’d rather be like me than like you.
#relationshipsaregay. Pass it on.
Dun Runnin 
Hi! I never thought it possible because my limited encounters hadn’t given me any opportunity to come across anyone who is both asexual and aromantic–yet here you are. It’s something new and fascinating, as everything around us has always circled on sex and romantic connections.
You also hit on a compelling truth here with this line: “Think about it: what has caused the most stress in your life? Not your job, not your blood relatives, but your marriage or your contact with your lover. That is generally what makes most people unhappy in the deepest ways.” I’m not denying that I’m just like any other woman who has needed passion and the security of relationships, but I believe people should think more lucidly and be clear-headed in their quest for love or happiness.
You have an engaging mind as well as an interesting blog. You may not have any capacity for romance or physical intimacy but you surely can write. I am pleased to meet you.
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Thanks for writing to me and reading my posts (even the silly one I just made). I believe, and correct me if I’m wrong, that the Philippines is largely a Catholic country, and you know what the Bible says about be fruitful and multiply. In that environment asexuality should be acceptable, but only if you’re a priest or a nun. But asexuality isn’t that well known in the western world, either. Every once in a while I meet someone who has never heard of it and never met anyone like me. I’m pleased to meet you too. 🙂
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The Philippines is a Catholic country, indeed, and it has stood on its credence that our principal purpose in life is to proceed and multiply. It plays a huge factor why my country has remained poor.
I’m not sure asexuality is the precise description for nuns and priests here especially if we consider how these clergy have secretly engaged in activities that are supposed to be forbidden to them; not to mention the scandals that flare up every now and then–much like what happens in the Vatican. 🙂
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You’re right that there’s a difference between being celibate and/or chaste and being asexual. A priest or nun are supposed to refrain from sexual activity, but God has no problem with them _wanting_ to have sex if they don’t actually do it. Many people here in North America don’t know that, for two thousand years, the church has found it perfectly acceptable for a priest to be gay or even a pedophile, as long as he kept his zipper done up and obeyed the rules of his job and his faith. Ever since the scandals hit in the United States, however, the Catholic Church here in North America has started barring ordination to gay men. That’s kind of a shame, because a few people acting badly shouldn’t tar and feather everyone else. But then that’s how life works when there are seven or eight billion people nn earth: a few jerks mess it up for everyone else.
Which ties into the belief that everyone has a religious duty to have children. That made sense 2,000 years ago, when the world had about one or 10 million people in it (I forget how many), but today there are so many of us that there should no longer be call to make people feel obligated to have kids. It’s an outdated rule that needs to be replaced with something more sensible.
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“That’s how life works when there are seven or eight billion people on earth: a few jerks mess it up for everyone else.” 😀
I’ve been learning a lot from you. And thanks for accommodating me, Kheleya.
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Reading what you have been writing about the axesual orientation brings to mind another – one I have often used for myself: Neuter. When out with the “boys” I am one of the boys, when out with the “girls” I tend to be the tomboy, but still able to associate for the most part. I have tried the relationship route, and either because of bad experiences, or a true lack of desire, am quite happy alone. Not unsocialized – I enjoy brief encounters with people, but I also love the fact I do not come home to anyone. (Exception being the other adults who worry if I forget to let them know I am still alive from time to time.) Have you ever heard of someone associating themselves with a true neuter? Just wondering.
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Yes, I’ve talked to people who call themselves neuter. There are, in fact, several different generally accepted terms for the various things that can mean (or generally accepted in some circles). One is “agender,” which refers to someone who considers themselves not to have any gender, male or female or anything else. Another is “alibidinal” or “nolibidoist,” for someone who has no libido. There is also the “social neuter,” which is usually the kind of person who is best buddies with members of the opposite sex but never considered by those people for a potential romantic relationship. And there are also others. If this conversation gets too sensitive for public discussion, you can email me at the email addy in the right-hand panel of my blog’s pages.
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Just popped by to say thank you for the follow and hope to catch up sometime. Happy holidays and summer! What’s left of it 🙂
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Thank you for stopping by. I thought the banner on your blog was great. Who drew it?
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A lovely yorkshire lass called marielle 🙂
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